


I'm Not Okay

by violetstorm



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spoilers for up until the party gets the Albiore, there is a lot of salt in the notes and I apologize for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 08:16:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12104523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetstorm/pseuds/violetstorm
Summary: But maybe, if you're with me, I will be.





	I'm Not Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Um. 
> 
> I spontaneously thought of the title and the summary and decided to base a fic around it. I ended up writing this... self-indulgent nonsense that isn't all that related to the title. ...Oops?

When Guy woke up, it was dark, the room illuminated only by a sliver of moonlight peeking in through the curtains of an open window. He blinked, drowsily, mind struggling to discover why he’d woken up. The room was silent, so thinking that a noise from Mieu or Luke woke him up, Guy turned over, pulled the blanket up to his chin, shut his eyes, praying that daylight would be more than just a few hours away.

Then Guy’s eyes snapped wide open as he bolted upright.

Silent. The room was dead silent.

It shouldn’t have been silent. Not when  _ Luke _ , of all people, was sharing a room with him. Immediately, Guy sat up and looked to the bed next to his. Even in the dark, he could see that the bed was empty, blankets pushed carelessly to the end of the bed. Amidst the pile, a tiny bit of blue was barely visible. It was Mieu.

Carefully, Guy set his feet down on the floor, hoping that the wood wouldn’t creak as he tugged on his boots. The last thing he needed was the girls, Jade, or Ion waking up. No, scratch that. The last thing  _ Luke _ needed was a swarm of girls (Guy gave an involuntary shudder), Jade and Ion babying him and cooing over him. 

It was kind of ironic, in a way. Everybody thought that that was all Guy did to Luke. From the way that he was leaving the room at the dead of night to look for Luke, perhaps that  _ was _ all he did for Luke. The door shut with nothing more than a soft click as Guy stepped out into the cool night’s air.

Normally, he’d be giddy with joy, hopping from foot to foot like a child. Sheridan, like Belkend, was a city of fon machines and Guy so dearly wished that they had more time to look around. But tonight, things weren’t normal, so Guy kept both feet planted firmly on the ground as he surveyed the area. No Luke in sight.

That didn’t bother Guy. He  _ had _ been Luke’s caretaker ever since he was created. He knew all of Luke’s quirks and habits and knew that whenever Luke wanted some time to himself or he just needed a place to hide, he would climb a tree, above the worries of the world below. Considering there were no trees in Sheridan, it made sense that Luke would climb the next thing closest to a tree. 

The rocket tower.

The door was locked, as expected, and the lift was at the top. Pushing a button to bring it down, Guy waited at the bottom, craning his neck upwards for any signs of Luke. There were none. The lift creaked as it descended slowly, giving Guy far too much time to think about what brought Luke out of bed.

...No. No, it was obvious. Guy just didn’t want to think about it.

Nightmares. Constant nightmares that haunted Luke’s sleep ever since the events at Akzeriuth. First it was the headaches and now it was the nightmares. Guy never asked what they were about. He never needed Luke to tell him. It was obvious that Akzeriuth was plaguing Luke’s mind more terribly than the rest of them, and with St. Binah starting to fall thanks to the Sephiroth Luke destroyed, it was only natural that the nightmares would resurface tonight. 

Natural. Another word for normal, which was another word for “standard” or “expected” or “something that happens often”. By those definitions, Luke’s nightmares could be considered normal, but no, they were anything but. He had been living for only seven years and while he didn’t have the mind of a seven-year old boy, he hadn’t the life experiences to be dealing with the burdens and pressures and stress that he now held.

The lift was barely on the ground before Guy had stepped onto it, already slamming the button for it to go up. He leaned against the wall, praying that Luke was at the top of the tower. He had to find him before he did or thought anything stupid. Or perhaps he didn’t want company. He was never one to admit to wanting or needing anything of the sort. But, ever since Akzeriuth, Luke had been… closed off. Like he was afraid to talk to any of his friends.

If he still considered them his friends.

Guy could still feel the chills he got whenever he saw one of Jade’s icy stares he would give Luke and if he didn’t have his gynophobia, surely he would have put himself between Anise and Luke whenever she began to berate Luke.

Though, Guy thought as the lift neared the top, even if Luke no longer considered Guy a friend, he wouldn’t do the same. No matter what Luke thought of him — with his revenge and all —, he’d still consider Luke his friend.

The lift reached the top and Luke indeed was there, learning on the handlebars, facing the ocean with unseeing eyes. His hair was tousled from sleep. When Guy stepped onto the roof, he turned to see who came and much to Guy’s delight, relaxed the stiffness in his arms before gazing back out at the ocean again.

“Hey.”

“...Hey.” Luke responded. Guy walked over to Luke, imitating him as he leaned onto the bars. It dug into his arms. Surely it would leave a mark later on.

“Nightmares again?” Guy asked, though he already knew the answer. Usually, however, whenever Luke had his nightmares, he would wake up, shaking and speechless. Then, Guy would walk over to where ever they were sleeping that night and simply wrap his arms around Luke until his shaking ceased and and he dozed back off to sleep. Nobody, not even Jade or Anise, would dare quip. They instead shot pitying looks over at the two of them, most likely wishing that they were able to do more. Guy did too.

Luke nodded, the barest tilt of his head. “How’d you know where I was?”

“I’ve been taking care of you since you were a kid.” And he still was. “Of course I’d know where you’d run off to.”

A weak chuckle, followed by silence. The ocean’s waves were quieter up on the tower. Luke took a deep, shuddering breath, then—

“I dreamed that I was in the Qliphoth.” Luke was quiet, but Guy clung onto every word. “I had d-destroyed the Sephiroth and I didn’t make it to Tear in time. I… fell into the Qliphoth and I was drowning in the miasma and I called for help but nobody was there.” Luke’s voice broke and he gulped before continuing. “I saw people come near me in a boat but they — they only laughed at me and left me in the miasma to—”

Luke was gripping the handlebars so tightly his knuckles were turning white. Guy tried to lay comforting hand on Luke’s arm, but he flinched back like Guy had struck him with all his might.

“Luke… it was just a dream. You’re not in the Qliphoth.” Guy said, but Luke only shook his head, short hair bobbing from side to side.

“But Akzeriuth wasn’t a dream. I really… I really destroyed Akzeriuth. And now St. Binah’s falling because I destroyed the Sephiroth. All those people are losing their homes because of me. I-If… If I hadn’t—”

“Luke.” Guy said again, more adamantly this time. He was  _ not _ going to let Luke start putting himself down again. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was! I was the one who destroyed the Sephiroth using my hyperresonance! I-I was the one who trusted Master Van—”

“He manipulated you, Luke!” Guy struggled to keep from shouting. “He tricked you into doing it! He was controlling you!”

“But if I had trusted you guys and waited and told you about Master Van’s plan, then I wouldn’t have done it!” He was shaking now, and Guy could only watch as a single tear rolled down Luke’s cheek, then another, and another. “You all said so yourself.”

Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no,  _ no. _

“Luke… We didn’t — I didn’t… we weren’t thinking straight.”

“Don’t lie to me!” Luke gritted his teeth, tears still streaming down his cheeks. “You all said so yourself!”

“We said it without thinking! We didn’t mean to blame you!”

If they were on the ground, they would have woken up the whole town by now. “But I deserved the blame, didn’t I? I destroyed Akzeriuth!” Luke said, slowly, as if trying to teach a particularly difficult concept to a child.

“But you didn’t mean to! Luke, you could barely even kill an enemy soldier. Don’t tell me that you walked into Akzeriuth wanting to kill everybody there. Didn’t you want to save the people there?”

“I…” Luke faltered. “But I… I didn’t care about the people. I just… I just wanted to impress Master Van.”

Guy couldn’t find any words to respond, his mind drawing a blank. Luke continued on. “...He really betrayed me, didn’t he?”

“I really trusted him. I thought he was the only one who understood me. I thought that he was the only one who could see me for who I was…”

“Luke…”

“And I wasn’t even anybody in the first place. I wasn’t Luke. I’m just a replica.”

Not this again. “You’re a replica, Luke.” Guy stated. “But you’re still you. You have seven years worth of memories, don’t you?”

“But—”

“You didn’t choose to be born the way you were, Luke. You deserve to live just as much as the rest of us.”

“But Master Van left me in Akzeriuth to d-die…!”

“He didn’t… he doesn’t care about you, Luke.” Guy said, trying his best to ignore the way Luke flinched at his words. “But that doesn’t mean that nobody does.”

“What do you mean?”

“Luke. Did you really think I’d come all this way looking for you because I hate you?” Guy lightly bumped shoulders with Luke, who was regarding Guy with wide eyes.

“Even after I…” Destroyed Azkeriuth? Luke never finished his sentence, but even Mieu could tell what he meant.

“It wasn’t entirely your fault. Remember what I said in Aramis Springs? I said that the bigger the problem, the more people needed something, or someone to blame. We…” If even thinking about what he did wrong was a stab to the chest, he didn’t want to think about Luke’s pain. “I’m sorry Luke. We all blamed you because we needed somebody to blame so we wouldn’t have to blame ourselves.”

“Don’t apologize, it wasn’t your fault.”

“We all knew what…  _ attachment _ you had to Van. We should have kept a closer eye on you. Tear knew he was up to something terrible and she said it was her duty to keep an eye on him, right? Jade’s well, Jade and Ion was the one to open the Daathic Seal for Van.” And Guy was the one who knew that Van wanted to get revenge on the world for Hod. And he didn’t tell anybody. “Luke. You trusted Van more than the rest of us. Of course you wouldn’t have believed our suspicious about him. He used you, Luke. He used your trust and betrayed you.”

Just like what Guy was planning to do with Luke. Even now, after his thoughts for revenge were all but a bad memory, he couldn’t help but cringe at the fact that he once thought his revenge would be justified. Betrayal was a special kind of evil. Guy knew that first-hand, after all. Van, like he did with Luke, had left Guy to die along with the rest of Akzeriuth, despite having sworn his loyalty to House Gardios when Guy was naught more than a child.

Bastard.

“But I… I still destroyed the Sephiroth.” Luke said, almost  _ desperate _ to keep blaming himself.

“Would you blame a sword for the actions of the person holding it? You. Were.  _ Tricked. _ It wasn’t entirely your fault. I’m not saying that you’re one hundred percent innocent, mind you, but you’re not one hundred percent guilty either.”

Oh, how Guy regretted leaving Luke alone in Yulia City. Sure, he came back for him, but he should have been the first one there when he woke up. At the time, he was upset with Luke for immediately trying to deflect the blame to Van… But one always had to be careful what they wished for, he supposed. He had wanted Luke to take responsibility, but now, he’d taken all the blame, blame that wasn’t all for him.

Luke’s lower lip trembled, green eyes brimming with tears and Guy couldn’t bear to look at Luke like this any longer. He grabbed Luke, pulling him into his chest, one arm wrapped around his back, the other stroking his head.

“I’m sorry Luke. I should have said this earlier. You don’t have to blame yourself for everything. You’re not alone. We’re here to help you.” Guy whispered, trying to keep his voice as even as possible. Luke tensed up in Guy’s grip, unsure of what to do.

“Guy… I-I…” Luke cut himself off, burying his face in Guy’s shirt, clutching at it like it was a lifeline. Though, for all that Guy knew, it may have been one. He mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “I’m sorry”, but it was impossible to discern through the tears and the fact that his mouth was muffled by Guy’s shirt. 

“Sshh, Luke. It’s alright. You’re doing all that you can, right? We managed to rescue Ginji and tomorrow we’re going to fly out with Noelle to rescue the people of St. Binah.” Guy said, leaning his cheek on the top of Luke’s head. 

“B-But—!”

“That won’t bring back Akzeriuth. I know. But you’re going to save so many lives in St. Binah. WIthout you, they’d fall into the Qliphoth. You may not have been able to save Akzeriuth but—” Guy tightened his hold around Luke. “You’re saving the people of St. Binah. You’re doing all that you can and it’s more than enough.”

Luke only sobbed harder. Guy could feel the dampness of his tears on his shirt, though he paid it no heed. He said nothing as he helped lower Luke to the ground, where he all but curled up in Guy’s lap, hands never letting go of his shirt. There, with the moon and the stars gazing down on him, Luke openly cried, having kept his emotions locked in for far too long.

Just like how it all started. Luke had been such a crybaby as a child and would only be comforted when somebody would embrace him. But this time, Guy didn’t hold Luke until his tears dried and shaking ceased so he could kill him. This time, he did it for the exact opposite reason.

He didn’t know how long he held onto Luke for, but he did so until Luke’s breaths finally returned to normal. Only when Luke finally lifted his head and released his grasp on Guy’s shirt did Guy finally loosen his hold. Delicately, he caressed Luke’s cheek, wiping away the last remnants of his tears. 

“You alright now?” Guy asked. Luke managed a shaky nod.

“Y-Yeah… a little…” Luke’s voice was trembling, but it was stronger than it had been before. “I… Guy… thanks.”

“No problem. I’ll always be here when you need me.” Guy tried his best to grin. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Luke echoed.

“Come on. We can talk about the rest of this in the morning. I don’t think you’ve gotten much sleep.” Or any at all, if the dark circles under his eyes were to blame. Luke, however, didn’t move.

“Luke?”

“I’m… scared. What if we don’t get there in time?”

“We will.” Guy said reassuringly. “Tear said herself that it’ll take a while for St. Binah to fall and the Albiore’ll be much quicker than the Tartarus. Besides, Jade said so himself and he’s never wrong, is he?”

“..Yeah.” Luke managed a small smile. “You’re right.”

“For better or for worse.”

“I guess we should go back to the inn.”

“Yeah. I’d hate for the others to find us here asleep like this.” Guy teased. Luke then looked towards their legs, a tangle of limbs, and flushed terribly, pushing himself away from Guy and nearly falling over in the process.

“Sh-shut up!” Luke stuttered, bringing a smile to Guy’s face. How Guy didn’t realize how much he would miss hearing that oh-so familiar phrase. 

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody. The girls will probably be jealous.”

“If you tell them, I’m going to tie you together with one of them.” Luke said, probably enjoying the way Guy paled at the mere thought of being so close to a woman. He knew that Luke knew Guy wouldn’t dare tell a soul about tonight, but knowing that his best friend was willing to put him through this kind of torture — however ludicrous it may have sounded — wasn’t at all pleasant, to say the least.

“My lips are sealed.” Guy stood, offering a hand to Luke. He hauled him to his feet, but didn’t let go of his hand. “Luke. Remember what I told you. You’re not alone.”

Or perhaps he was. Guy didn’t know.

Luke had realized the mistakes of his past and was doing all that he could to move on from them, to give back to the world what he took. If Luke could do something like that, perhaps the rest of their friends would be able to realize how wrong they were to completely blame Luke.

Even Jade hadn’t said so much of a word condemning what Van did. Tear had an excuse, and perhaps Guy did, too, but why, oh why had it taken him so long to realize that Luke wasn’t all to blame. They all blamed him in the heat of the moment and they continued to, even after the fire had died down.

Guy was never one for senseless arguments or confrontations, but it seemed like this one was inevitable. He couldn’t keep letting Luke take all the blame for himself. The others didn’t know Luke as well as he did. They couldn’t see the toll their words were taking on him.

...Tomorrow. Tomorrow, when morning comes. He'd tell them to lay off or to apologize to Luke or something,  _anything_ that would alleviate the burden on Luke.

“You’re right… I — we’re all working together to save St. Binah.”

“Right.”

“...Guy?”

“...Yeah?”

“Thanks… I mean that. A lot. Thanks for everything. For... staying with me since the beginning.” Luke toyed with the hem of his shirt, pointedly avoiding Guy’s gaze. “And for coming back to me.”

“Hey, that’s what best friends do, right?” Guy slung his arm over Luke’s shoulder, guiding him to the lift. “C’mon, let’s get some rest.”

When the lift finally reached the ground, the two men walked over as quietly as they could towards the inn. Mieu was still fast asleep in that same pile of blankets when they came back in and stayed asleep when Luke picked him up to move him onto the pillow so he could use the blanket.

However, when Guy sat down on his bed, Luke froze.

“...Luke? Something the matter?”

“I’m… still scared. What if the nightmares… come back?” Luke whispered and that was the only cue Guy needed to walk over to Luke’s bed, sitting down on the edge of it, placing his hand over Luke’s.

“Then I’ll be right here for you.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Eh. I don't know how to write emotional scenes.
> 
> All that aside, I'm so torn and conflicted over Akzeriuth. On one hand, I can understand why the party reacted the way that they did. Abyss can be so painfully human / realistic at times and Akzeriuth was one of them. In a perfect world, the party would have understood Luke's dilemmas, but in Abyss, the party outright blames Luke, which I'm fine with. What I'm not fine with is how the party never apologizes to him.
> 
> Pre-Akzeriuth Luke was everything I hated in a character, in a person, and yet I couldn't bring myself to hate him. Perhaps it's because I could relate to his situation in more ways that I want to admit to even myself. I used to actually have a pretty shitty mindset and... not the best personality and I did try to change myself, as Luke had (which made my heart soar when playing Abyss because of how heavily I could relate with Luke).
> 
> The thing is, I needed emotional support to keep changing, because I didn't know if what I was doing was right, see. Luke... I think he could have gotten a lot more. Anise outright told Luke to go die. Did the party conveniently forget that Luke was /manipulated/ into destroying Akzeriuth? That is what angers me most about the game, and what angers me most about how the devs wrote Van.
> 
> They tried to make Van too sympathetic as a villain, when he's, in reality, a slimy bastard that deserves a painful death. The party n e v e r outright blames Van for destroying Akzeriuth. He controlled Luke! He manipulated him and he forced him to use his hyperresonance by saying "Foolish Replica Luke"!
> 
> And this is never addressed in-game! I am livid about how the party only blames Luke and even then, he makes mistakes because I know first hand that it's impossible not to make mistakes, but whenever he does, he gets berated like there's no tomorrow. Like Tear, in the Tartarus, I believe, telling Luke "I thought you said you were going to change!" and I wanted to yell back "I thought you said you were going to watch him!" because she couldn't /just/ choose to watch Luke change, she had to watch him make mistakes, too.
> 
> Granted, nobody was obligated to go back for Luke and to help him, but nobody was obligated to make such cruel comments to somebody in such an emotional state. I really wish the party didn't completely blame Luke and if they, y'know, blamed the mastermind behind Akzeriuth's destruction. Ah, but then they wouldn't be able to make Van a sympathetic, poor little understood villian if they showed him as the genocidal maniac he actually is.
> 
> Ahh, I apologize for the salt, but I needed to get this off my chest, in the form of a self-indulgent fic and a rant. I just have a lot of feelings for Abyss and a lot of more fic ideas I want to get out before I lose the motivation to write them... Thank you for reading =w=;;;;;;;;


End file.
